Welcome

Right now there is more polarized division, hatred, animosity, tribalism, and anxiety than ever before in our lifetimes. The people in our life groups reflect that. The diversity in thoughts experiences, and opinions within our life groups are driving wedges between people like never before. And as leaders, we find ourselves reacting.

• Reacting to one polarizing issue after another,
• reacting to one unhappy person after another,
• one divisive conflict after another.

In fact, you’re probably exhausted trying to keep very diverse people and perspectives in some type of spiritual harmony in order to move forward with the call God has given.

Before we get started with the actual tools of leading diverse families, I want to explain where we are in the crux of human history and how we got here.

Life in the Wilderness

Hermann Hesse, a Nobel Prize winning author from the early 20^th century wrote in his novel, Steppenwolf, “There are times when a whole generation gets caught to such an extent between two eras, two styles of life, that nothing comes naturally to it since it has lost all sense of morality, security, and innocence.”

Our generation is stuck in between two eras and the culture feels like it lost it’s mind because everything we used to know and hold as true, is being questioned, if not completely overturned for a future world and reality we have yet to experience.

The Bible calls periods of time and spaces between two eras, the wilderness. It’s the place people have to traverse to get from places of origin to places of destination, or places of enslavement to places of freedom. If you look at the people in the Bible, most document stories of traversing the wilderness with God.  

• The Israelites spent 40 years in the wilderness going from slavery in Egypt to independence in Canaan
• David and his mighty men hid in the wilderness after he anointed the future King of Israel so King Saul wouldn’t kill him
• Jesus was led by the spirit to the wilderness before he took up his public ministry

The wilderness, more accurately, is the time and space between receiving your promises from God in faith until the actualization of those promises in reality—life on this earth.

The time and space we are living in, is a generational wilderness—everybody is transitioning. Our culture, society, politics, economics is sunsetting the norms and mores of the post-industrial world and witnessing the dawn of a new digital age and all that it brings. The people we’re leading in spiritual families are traversing the wilderness in between these two eras.

Everything is in flux, beliefs, habits, centers of power, and information; everything that once made sense, no longer does. People are broken, hurting, and full of anxiety as a result.

Because we’re sitting in between these two eras of time, people who once were aligned will hold views and perspectives that don’t make sense to the person sitting next to them. The diversity in thoughts, ideas, viewpoints creates tribes of subcultures because the formerly dominant culture is fading away and a new dominant culture hasn’t fully taken root.

As culture continues to shift, more tribes will form, jockeying for dominance. In the wake of that, people will be left broken, traumatized, and anxious.

As spiritual leaders, we can’t do anything about the hurt and trauma already inflicted on our people as a result of cultural shifts in this wilderness. But we can do something about the anxiety they feel and the divisions caused by the anxiety.

Did you know the root cause of anxiety, for most people anyway, is the result of trying to control what they can’t control? We can’t control the changing culture, but we are trying to. We do so by forming these tribes of subcultures, finding allies, cutting off others with different ideologies, all in an effort to control the uncontrollable. 

So anxiety builds up. Open up your Bibles to Mark 10:17-27 because we’re going to see this play out in the time of Jesus.

¹⁷ As [Jesus] was setting out on a journey, a man ran up to Him and knelt before Him, and asked Him, “Good Teacher, what shall I do so that I may inherit eternal life?” ¹⁸ But Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone. ¹⁹ You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not give false testimony, Do not defraud, Honor your father and mother.’” ²⁰ And he said to Him, “Teacher, I have kept all these things from my youth.” ²¹ Looking at him, Jesus showed love to him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” ²² But he was deeply dismayed by these words, and he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property. (Mark 10:17-22 ESV)

• The rich young ruler finds himself traversing a wilderness.
• He’s a Jew living in the time of the Messiah.
• He knows the fulfillment of things has come, the old way, the way of the Temple is ending in Jesus.

So he runs up to Jesus to ask him for guidance on how to get to the promised land—heaven. What is not said here, and should be inferred is that the rich young ruler knew that he had all the control in obtaining eternal life, but he doubted his ability to keep it up until he got there. We know he doubted because he went out of his way to ask Jesus. Only people who are unsure go to ask.

Jesus knowing all that, says, here’s future: “sell everything and follow me.” Relinquish all your notions of control, get rid of your safety nets and be my disciple. I’d imagine the grieving the young rich ruler did was more anxiety filled than anything else.

Being a disciple of Jesus requires us to relinquish control and therefore our anxiety. We need to understand that as spiritual leaders. That is what the journey of faith is—relinquishing what little control we had in an uncontrollable wilderness and following Jesus where he leads us.

Not only was the rich young ruler trying to figure out how Jesus plays a part in this new world that he is being ushered into, he was trying to see how he can get control in this new world. Jesus’ own disciples were also trying to figure it out. Verse 23.

²³ And Jesus, looking around, said to His disciples, “How hard it will be for those who are wealthy to enter the kingdom of God!” ²⁴ And the disciples were amazed at His words. But Jesus responded again and said to them, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! ²⁵ It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” ²⁶ And they were even more astonished, and said to Him, “Then who can be saved?” (Mark 10:23-26 ESV)

The perspective the disciples held was that the wealthy would definitely be the ones to receive the kingdom of God, after all, God blessed them with their wealth. This paradigm shift that Jesus teaches blew the disciples away. What was supposed to a shoe in for that culture was flipped upside down. Our perspectives will divide us. But that’s not the end of us.

And this is where Jesus gives us the example of how lead anxious people.

²⁷ Looking at them, Jesus said, “With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.” (Mark 10:23-27 ESV)

That’s good news for us. All things are possible with God. Even when our culture inflicts trauma and fills us with anxiety, God makes impossible things happen which is to bring unity within our very diverse families because all of us have to rely on him.

Our spiritual families might be splintering with diverse ideas and perspectives but have hope, our God is the God of the impossible and he can do the work of bringing unity within himself if we follow him in the wilderness.

Life in the Wilderness Exercise – Hopes and Fears

1. I want you to take a piece of paper, and draw a column in the middle:
   1. On the left, I want you to write down what you hope God will do in your life group as you lead them through this societal wilderness.
   1. On the right, write down the fears you have for your life group in this time, navigating through the societal wilderness.
2. When you’re done with that, share the hopes and fears with the people in your life group you’re taking this class with, or better yet, spend a night to share this with your life group.
3. Spend time praying about those hopes and fears each week.
4. Then look back so you can declare praise for the God of the impossible.

Cheap Consensus vs True Solidarity

Now that we know what we’re dealing with, let’s read Ephesians 4:1-6 .

¹I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, ² with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, ³ eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ⁴ There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism, ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. (Ephesians 4:1-6 ESV)

Here’s the bottom line according the Apostle Paul – every single follower of Jesus needs to be united with each other and with God. We’re united because who God is to us.

Now there is two ways to be united: through consensus or solidarity.

• Consensus is the good-faith effort to meet the interests of all people.
• Solidarity is supporting and the tying the wellbeing of people together with you.

When we talk about biblical unity, like unity of the body of believers as the Apostle Paul is referring to, we are not talking about a good-faith effort to meet the interests of all believers. Biblical unity is about tying the welfare of other believers with ourselves – that’s verse 2. Walking with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love….

“Consensus” is cheap. It’s a knock off version of the gospel that limits what God can do down to variables we can control as we intend to find a place that is comfortable for everybody’s diverse viewpoints.

Consensus is usually achieved by:

• avoiding certain topics of discussion, or
• refraining from certain activities, or
• moving to cut off certain people so the whole feels comfortable.

We use consensus as a method to make our life groups more efficient. After all, we can do more for God if our Life Groups are efficient and we’re more efficient if we’re all comfortable. Seeking only consensus will cause you to miss what God might be doing in the uncomfortable areas you cut out.

Solidarity, on the other hand, has faith in God to do the impossible because our Father in heaven is above all and over all and in all to tie us together. In a time like this, our life groups do not need consensus; we need solidarity.

For solidarity to become a reality, we have to love deeply. When Paul talks about “bearing with one another in love,” he is telling us that it’s going to require us to be humble, gentle, and patient as opposed to overbearing, callous, frustrated. The first three attributes are un-anxious, while the latter three personify anxiety on full blast.

I want to give you three ways to deeply love our diverse and anxious spiritual families with humility, gentleness, and patience:

1. Embrace the trauma
2. Stop persuading, ask questions
3. Repent

Embrace the Trauma

The psychological definition of “trauma” is the emotional response to some terrible event: accident, rape, natural disaster, etc. The CDC says that about 60% of the adult population have experienced some sort of direct trauma in their life times. That’s 3 in 5 people in your spiritual family walking around with the baggage of trauma. I don’t know what that number is post-covid, I’m sure it’s a lot higher now, maybe encompassing most people living older than 5 years old. Regardless the number or percent, the conclusion we need to make is that there is something wrong with everybody. Yes, something wrong with you, something wrong with me, and it was all caused by the sin in this world and the wilderness we’re living in.

So instead of looking at people with the lens of, “what’s wrong with you?” We know what’s wrong—they are living with the baggage of trauma.  something wrong with all of us. We need to look at people with the lens of “what happened to you?”

Understanding what happened will explain where they are coming from, why they have the perspectives and anxieties they do that make it so hard for you to love them. That makes it easier for you to embrace the differences and walk in solidarity with others.

Stop Persuading, Start Asking Questions

This is the second thing we do to love deeply is to stop trying to persuade people, and instead start asking them questions. I forgot where I read this but when it comes to changing people’s minds, psychologists found that the person most likely to persuade you to change your mind on anything is you, not anybody else.  

We will never be able to persuade people toward unity with one another, but what we can do is guide them. We guide them to the God who can bring unity within himself. We’re always going to have spiritual families diverse with thoughts and perspectives that seek to divide; but if guide them to following Jesus—God will do the rest.

Guiding people was never about persuading people to do what we want. It’s actually asking questions to understand their goals and helping them get there. So to love people deeply, we start asking questions about their spiritual goals. What an outrageous thought!

When we help people accomplish their discipleship goals, not the discipleship goals we have for them as their leader, we will find ourselves walking in solidarity even if there are a diversity of thoughts and perspectives that seek to divide us and them.

You can only guide them on their journey if you’re asking questions about the goal they seek. Asking questions will help them think about where they are going, how they are getting there. And it’s absolutely amazing how quickly they persuade themselves and become unified with the goal of pursuing God.

Repent

Finally, as leaders trying to foster true solidarity, we must repent. That’s what humility does in loving deeply. It is willing to repent. Loving deeply causes us to repent of the views we sinfully hold dear that cause us to drift apart from people over differences.

Biblical repentance causes us to posture ourselves toward restoring relationships strained by division. Repentance allows us to take responsibility. When we take responsibility, the sins that separated us as brothers and sisters in Christ start to die.

We must repent of our sins so that the forgiving, renewing, refreshing reality of God’s grace can control, energize and empower our spiritual families in unity.

Unity Exercise

I want you write jot down the answers to these questions and then I want you to take the appropriate actions in the next 5 days, 5 weeks, and 5 months, so you can see true solidarity in your Life Groups. Be specific with each question.

1. What questions will you be asking to guide your life group in the next 5 months?
2. What actions of consensus building will you stop doing as a leader in the next 5 weeks?
3. What do you need to repent of? Who will you share that with in the next 5 days?
4. Keep a journal to document your progress in building solidarity.

Practicing Presence

True solidarity is something that we must practice. The practice of solidarity requires us to be fully present with our people. Tying the wellbeing of those different than us with our own wellbeing must be empathetic and embodied. That’s the only way you can truly make peace with those who are in discord.

In Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, Jesus talks about our call as peacemakers. He says,“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” (Matthew 5:9 ESV)

A peace maker is somebody who goes out of their way to reconcile parties that are divided. Jesus was the ultimate peace maker. That’s the reason he came to this world, to reconcile sinners to a holy God because we stood divided and separated from our creator. So, we too, are called to be peacemakers.

The best peacemakers are fully present with the people they are trying to make peace with. Jesus was fully present with us on earth. He didn’t try to persuade us to be reconciled with him. He embodied peace through his presence. So, as peacemakers, we seek reconciliation in divisions by being fully present with divided parties, inviting them to seek peace.

I want to share four ways we can practice presence and be peacemakers.

Walk In Their Shoes

People and places are what give us an understanding of ourselves. To truly understand the unique world our brothers and sisters inhabit, we need to walk in their shoes.

We do that by first taking off our own shoes. Letting go of our assumptions based on our ambitions, vulnerabilities, fears, passions, skills, strength, issues, and pressures. Then exploring people and places based on the ambitions, vulnerabilities, fears, passions, skills, strength, issues, and pressures of those we lead.

When we practice this, I guarantee you will change to see your spiritual family as they see themselves. When you see the world as they do, making peace becomes more tenable.

Active Listening

Practice active listening. Not just letting things flow in one ear and out the other. But being present in the conversation. It’s absolutely the best way to be engaged with people actively warring against each other. We spend 90% of our energy listening with the intent to understand as opposed to forming a response.

I know because you’re a leader people are coming to you with their questions, waiting to hear from you, but we need to stop talking and start listening. This is absolutely the easiest way to make peace, but letting people know that you hear them and understand them. Flip the paradigm to practice presence with others in the effort to make peace.

Own It

Thirdly, take accountability for problems, issues, and divisions, even if we’re not the ones that caused it. Claim the division and resist the urge to make excuses or soften the blow. Owning the division, tensions, anxieties, brokenness, hurt, is a good way to make peace.

Owning the division is not a sign of weakness but of strength. You’re the leader, speak up with candor. Will it hurt? Absolutely. Extending yourself by owning is the embodiment of peace. You will short-circuit a lot of subsequent divisions earlier in a conflict by owning it.

What’s interesting about Jesus’ crucifixion is that he owned all of our sins, the very thing that separated us from God. He couldn’t have become our solution if he didn’t own it.

So, in our act of owning the divisions other people create, we are actually realigning people who stand divided to collaborate into an accord of peace.

Suspend self-interest

Lastly, suspend self-interest. I don’t know what it is about human beings, but we always want to meet in the middle or we want to be one with the upper hand or with the authority. Let’s stop thinking of leadership and peacemaking that way, those are forms of cheap consensus.

Instead, think about the long term and ask yourself, what is in “their” best interest. That’s going to help you determine how you spend your time with people. Moreover, it’s going to help you figure out who you are spending your time with—because we often spend the most time with people most like us rather than building peace with those who are much different.  

I’m going to be honest, this is perhaps the hardest thing we can do when practicing presence. The night Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot, he prayed to God to remove the cup of crucifixion from him. He had a hard time suspending his self-interest. Jesus’ self-interest was his preservation of life and to maintain his connection with the Father. In the end, Jesus relented and said, “not my will, but your will be done.” Jesus suspended self interest and willingly died for us.

As we pay the price of suspending self-interest, we will find that the cost is worth it.

Presence Exercise

I want you write this down:

1. Whose shoes do you need to walk in? When will you walk in their shoes in the next 5 weeks?
2. What division do you have to own in order to make peace and foster solidarity in your life group in the next 5 months?
3. What steps can you take to actively suspend self-interest when dealing with conflict or division in your life group?

Resilient Influence

Everything we talked about to foster true solidarity in a culture that continues to divide people, requires leaders to be resilient in their influence; to continue to maintain the unity is established by Christ.

When I think about having resilient influence in the TikTok age, I start to get anxiety because over time there will be more we don’t have control of and because of that, and we will need to rely more on the power of God to manifest unity on our spiritual families.

There is just no way that we can humanly maintain unity with very different and diverse set of people for even five minutes, let alone do that for five months or five years. If you don’t believe me, just ask yourself what happened between you and your spouse the last time you tried to figure out what you wanted to eat out.

So how do we maintain long term solidarity within our life groups without becoming burned out from the anxiety?

Five ways to be resilient in our influence as we foster long term unity with our life groups:

Be Vulnerable

King David, after having an affair with his general’s wife, and being confronted for his sins, says this in Psalm 51:

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
¹¹ Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Psalm 51:10-12 ESV

Vulnerability is going to keep you humble enough to rely on God. The Psalm continues in verse 17 with this, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” That is a promise we hold dear as a spiritual leader. God receives us in our vulnerability. So be vulnerable and allow your mistakes, weaknesses, shortcomings, shortsightedness come before God. God wants us to come before him that way. He accepts us fully.

Have Limits

You’re human, you can’t do everything. Nor can you be everything to everybody. It’s impossible. The more you try, the more you will fail, the faster you will burn out. So realize your limitation and work within the boundaries of your limitations.

The prayer of Moses in Psalm 90 is this: “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.”

God will give us wisdom to help us when we accept our limited time and ability. As we accept God’s wisdom and our limitedness, his favor will be upon us to multiply what we do in the work he has for us. That’s how the Psalm ends.

Practice Sabbath

Along the same lines as limits, we need to enjoy the sabbath. The world is crazy, our life groups are crazier. Take a day every week and just enjoy God and the things God does for us in this creation, worshipping him and resting in him.

John Mark Comer, a pastor in Portland, Oregon says this in his book “Garden City”:

 “That’s why Sabbath is an expression of faith. Faith that there is a Creator and he’s good. We are his creation. This is his world. We live under his roof, drink his water, eat his food, breathe his oxygen. So on the Sabbath, we don’t just take a day off from work; we take a day off from toil. We give him all our fear and anxiety and stress and worry. We let go. We stop ruling and subduing, and we just be. We “remember” our place in the universe. So that we never forget . . . There is a God, and I’m not him.”

We’re not God. Let’s enjoy God and rest in him. We’re allowed that.

Lead With Childlike Faith

Children are amazing because they are uninhibited. They don’t have the same anxieties, delusional thoughts, and doubts that adults do. For the most part, children are happy-go-lucky. Jesus says in Mark 10:13-16:

¹³ And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. ¹⁵ Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.

When we lead with childlike faith, we’re not anxious about the outcome of our leadership; we’re enjoying the experience; hoping the best, and trusting for the best. The best in people, the best in outcome, the best in God’s promises for our spiritual family.

Try practicing your leadership this way. You’ll worry less.

Practice Mutuality

You may be the leader, but it doesn’t mean the people you’re leading can’t bear the burden of fostering unity with you. Go to them, being vulnerable, knowing your limits, and with a child-like faith to mutually work together toward unity for the gospel.

Practicing mutuality means receiving help from the people you are leading. The leaders that go a long way in fostering unity with the diverse group of people they are leading, don’t go it alone. They are sometimes being carried or propped up by others as they lead. The work of solidarity  is not on the leader alone, it’s on everybody mutually participating in the work of unity.

I’m praying that you will be resilient in your leadership. Our diverse spiritual families depend on you for the long haul of discipleship. Remember, you minimize burning out and will foster unity longer with your diverse spiritual families when you are less anxious, less burdened. So be vulnerable, have limits, enjoy the sabbath, embody child like faith, and practice mutuality.

Resilient Influence Exercise

This is fun, I promise. Stand up. Yeah, stand up. Now, strike a “Power Pose” like a superhero.

[pose myself] feet up on a table with your hands behind head, or your arms stretched out like a super hero]

Power Poses are poses that open up the body windows. A 2010 Harvard research study by Amy Cuddy suggests that the way you hold your body doesn’t just communicate you’re more powerful, it actually makes you more powerful. The study showed that holding expansive, “high-power” poses for as little as two minutes stimulates testosterone and lowers cortisol. That means increased feelings of power and a greater tolerance for risk. 

Now, you’re ready to lead and unify a diverse spiritual family in the wilderness. You not only have the power God gave to you when he created you, you are also manifested with the power of his Spirit. 

Let me pray for you.

Father in heaven, thank you for gifting us with diverse spiritual family to lead. The diversity of thought, experiences, and knowledge make it a challenge to maintain unity in one mind, one body, and one spirit, but we believe you gave us everything we need for us to follow you into the mission you provided for us. I ask that our spiritual families will being filled with your Spirit so we can have true solidarity with one another and not be divided by quarrels, differences in opinion, and anything else that the world tempts us with to cause division. Thank you for giving us an example of being a peace making leader in your son. Let us follow you wholly and undivided. In Jesus name. Amen.